Rated X Men

My husband works at home. I work at home. We live out in the country where our nearest neighbors are acres away. Needless to say, the only peeps we have are chickens.

As serious loners with few connections we have to take advantage of whatever opportunities come our way. So when my brother offered our family free tickets to a prescreening of X Men First Class through his work, we jumped at the chance.

In our anxious jumping, we broke a cardinal rule about letting our kids see PG-13 movies before we’ve checked them out. It’s the X Men, right? Comic book characters. With the exception of Mystique’s blue nudity, the series has stayed pretty family friendly.

The early movies came out when our kids were really young, so it’s only been recently that they’ve even seen any of the X Men. We’ve been playing catch up with them watching the previous films in eager anticipation of seeing the newest chapter on the big screen.

After all, the title includes “First Class” which suggests high standards. I got a taste of the upper crust once when I got to fly first class. From the warm wash cloth provided before the tasty hot meal to the plush seats with expanded leg and arm room, I was spoiled forever for the sardine seats of coach. I didn’t check, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if the barf bag was made of suede.

With complimentary tickets to a blockbuster sneak preview, I thought I was flying the friendly skies with the elite once again and settled into my cushy theater seat with my family for some high brow entertainment.

Then the skanky parade began. The title should have been X Men Classless.

If there was a way to sneak scenes of near-nude women into a comic book plot, they thought of it.

If it wasn’t a backroom prostitution ring for a female FBI agent to slink into, it was a visit to a strip joint to scout out mutants on the down low. When there wasn’t a whole hoard of half-naked women strutting around, they filled the screen with January Jones’ singular assets.

Instead of using my hands to stuff my face with popcorn, I had to let my extra large tub tumble to the floor as I scrambled to cover my kid’s eyes.

Where is a real superhero when I need one? One with X-ray vision to search the planet and find the sleazy producers of this film and shoot lasers to melt them into a puddle on the ground!

Shame on you for taking comic book characters and infiltrating their story with sleaze! Shame on me for trusting you!

X does mark the spot – a big filthy stain on my conscience and my children’s brains.

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