Breaking Spawn

Five free tickets to see a sneak preview of the latest Twilight installment Breaking Dawn: Part One.

FREE!

There were people who slept in sleeping bags on sidewalks outside of theaters to get tickets.

We didn’t go.

Once bitten, twice shy (no vampire reference intended).

After taking my kids to see X Men: First Class without previewing it and being so thoroughly disgusted by its skanky display that I walked out halfway through it, I wasn’t about to go to a PG-13 film where the rating is based on “disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements” without looking into it first.

I googled movie reviews and my findings were grim, as I suspected they would be.

One reviewer described the whole movie as “awkward.” He described how a wedding is usually supposed to be a happy occasion, but in Breaking Dawn‘s big fancy nuptials there is not a soul there human, immortal or half animal who is happy about the union.

The bride is embarrassed to be getting married at eighteen and is only doing so to appease the old-fashioned groom who wouldn’t get down and dirty with her without vows, the jerk. The mother and father of the bride are disappointed by their daughter’s hasty decision to marry so young and wish she would come to her senses and just live in sin. The vampire groom and his family are worried the consummation of the marriage might end with the bride being ripped to shreds. Jacob the lovesick teen wolf and his pack are nearby ready to pounce when the vampires break their vegetarian treaty because the bride has chosen bloodsucking immortality over a dull mortal life of burgers and fries.

The bride should have walked down the aisle to Def Leopard’s song Love Bites.

The honeymoon was described as awkward because it’s hard to be happy for a bride who spends her honeymoon looking like a battered wife which bothered the groom so much his vampire skin even lost its diamond sparkly feature throughout their duration on the sun-soaked tropical island.

The reviews I read pretty much said when someone wasn’t naked, spurting or sucking blood, they were spouting soap opera dialogue so cheesy the words could have formed curds.

The crowning event was the gory c-section where the half-blood princess is yanked from her host before she can make a biggie size meal out of her.

No, I did not want to subject my children to that, though I might have found it somewhat interesting because sometimes it does feel like my children are eating me from the inside out.

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