Ding Dong, Good-bye

Hostess has officially declared bankruptcy.

This is a huge blow.

Hostess and I have been tight for a long time.

As a child, a Hostess Twinkie, Ding Dong or Zinger in my sack lunch was about the only thing I didn’t trade away or chuck. For field trips, my Mom spoiled me with a package of chocolate Donettes. I savored every last waxy bite.

I can’t count how many fruit pies I sneaked out of the back of the freezer that were supposed to be for my dad’s lunches.

Hostess products from the vending machine accompanied by a Diet Coke was my staple lunch through high school. They saw me through dateless weekends, test cramming all-nighters, friend drama afternoons, and passover prom nights. I used them to lure hot guys over to my college dorm to hang out, and to lure nerds in for free tutoring.

Most significantly, the Chocodile saw me through my second pregnancy. The convenience store down the street had them 3 for $1 and I consumed that special as consistently as I did my prenatal vitamins.

As a result, my daughter was born with big beautiful Chocodile brown eyes, one of which was severely lazy causing her to have to wear a patch and thick glasses at age two.

I try not to think about it.

I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the ingredients in Chocodiles could cause prenatal developmental malfunction.

Though they look and taste somewhat like actual food, everyone knows Hostess treats are basically a bunch of chemicals holding hands. You gotta wonder about any baked good that has a shelf life that is calculated in years. I don’t know what sulfer dioxide or sodium benzoate are, but I must say, they sure are tasty. An alarm would probably go off and a swat team of food police would swarm if you tried to carry a Twinkie into a Whole Foods store.

How fun would it be to tie Jillian Michaels to a chair and force feed her a whole box of Ding Dongs!

There is still hope for the Hostess company. Apparently they claimed bankruptcy in 2004 and managed to come out of it. What seems to be killing them is “restrictive work rules” brought on by union demands. Many of the workers belong to a union called the “International Brotherhood of Teamsters,” which sounds pretty shady to me.

I bet Ho Ho’s are their favorite.

Hostess said pension and medical benefits were also cutting into profits, with $52 million in workers’ compensation claims in 2011.

Do you think it’s because fingers are getting caught in the Twinkie machine when workers try to snitch? Or perhaps its because employees enjoy the perk of daily access to some of the most fattening foods on the planet. The health repercussions and expenses related to perpetual consumption of Cupcakes, Donuts, Donettes, Chocodiles, Twinkies, Zingers, Fruit Pies, Ho Ho’s, Sno Balls, Suzy Q’s and Ding Dongs have got to be monstrous.

I could never work there.

I worked at an ice cream parlor my sophomore year of high school and gained 15 pounds, and I only worked ten hours a week! I finally quit before the pleats on my cheer uniform maxed out and they booted me off the squad.

Though you’re way bad for us Hostess and probably generously contribute to the national statistics of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, cancer, and lazy eye syndrome, I do hope you make it through.

There are just some things in life that can only be balmed by the satisfaction of stuffing your face with chemically manufactured pastries.

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