Sorry, Charlize 1

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who gives the worst Snow White adaptation of them all?

Kristen Stewart.

Who is this girl? Who keeps putting her in movies? Whoever it is should be fed a poison apple pronto with no wake-up kiss option.

She is supposed to be the heroine of the fairy tale adaptation Snow White and the Huntsman, and yet there is nothing endearing about her character to make you root for her victory. It’s basically “Bella Goes Renaissance.”

If the whole point of this story is a battle between beauties, then Stewart’s Snowy has gotta give us something, anything to make us believe the magic mirror is going by inner beauty because there is NO WAY she’s going to outshine Charlize Theron in outer beauty. The woman is gorgeous.

If I had the option to be reincarnated to look like anyone on the planet it would probably be Charlize, with an option for thicker hair.

The movie does an incredible job of showcasing Theron’s beauty, for sure, though the repeated slow-mo scenes of her disrobing and going in and out of various forms of liquid throughout the film seemed excessive. Along with the extreme emphasis on her looks, it was also very very clear that Queen Ravenna was very very evil—a little over the top even. Evil can be even more effective when there is a subtly to it. It’s a tricky balance, but I think I’ve got it mastered. Perhaps I’ll give Charlize a ring and give her a few tips.

Visually, this film is beautiful and the effects are cool, like the liquid metal guy that spills out of the magic mirror to chat beauty tips with the vain queen. But, once again, Hollywood sells out on story content and consistency. I know it’s a fairy tale so there’s some latitude, but you can’t just go willy nilly with loop holes and unexplainable creatures and occurrences.

Like when a mysterious white elk with trees sprouting from its head instead of antlers emerges in the magical fairy forest as some sort of unexplained sacred sign. Or why a drunken Huntsman who gets thrown out of a bar by a weak little man is the only person who has the rare strength to survive the dangers of the Dark Forest to find Snow White. Or how young, fragile Snow White who has been locked up in a tower for most of her life, suddenly acquires mad warfare skills to defeat an extremely experienced and powerful evil queen who boasts of conquering numerous kingdoms.

Then there’s the seven dwarfs. Their names should have been Ugly, Ornery, Dirty, Cheeky, Stinky, Creepy, and Walks Funny. There was no sincere connection between them and Snow White except for one awkward slow dance where one of them takes advantage of his height disadvantage.

The attempt at romance was particularly disappointing. Though there were two hot options available to Snowy—William the childhood chum, and the Huntsman played by Thor—there was zero believable chemistry brewing between any of them, and the saddest part was you didn’t care. Thor is scheduled to go back to Earth any day to hook up with Natalie Portman and William didn’t have a shot anyway since Bella is hopelessly devoted to a vampire.

But, Charlize did look gorgeous. The liquid metal mirror dude must be a delusional Twilight fan, because it was obvious she was the fairest of them all in this flick.

One comment on “Sorry, Charlize

  1. Reply Jana Jun 18,2012 6:30 pm

    We saw “Mirror Mirror” and thought it was better than we expected – especially the dwarfs. And snow white was darling and perfect for the part. Guess we’ll wait for the second run of this one if we get to it….

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