Skinned

nosignDisneyworld made a believer out of me.

I truly believe booty shorts should be legally banned.

I saw so much cellulite in Florida that my eyesight is now permanently impaired to see everything with little lumps on it.

I’m not sayin’ I don’t have my own cottage cheese patches, but nobody’s seeing those who didn’t get me pregnant.

Booty shorts maybe look decent on 1 in 374,912 women, maybe. But I swear, 98.6% of the female population in Disneyworld were wearing booty shorts, whether they had the bod for it or not.

Mostly not.

What is wrong with people?

What makes someone pull on an eighth of a yard of fabric over a yard of jiggling flesh and walk out the front door and say, “Boom baby, look at me!”

Living in a conservative culture, and a colder climate, I guess I’m used to people wearing more, and I’m very, VERY grateful for that.

Even on women with slimmer figures, there are still those cellulite-prone areas that working out and/or genetics won’t remedy, so booty shorts didn’t favor them either. Plus, it seems slender women were more prone to bulging varicose veins, which is an unpretty visual as well.

We’re not all meant to be Altheta calalog models.

You might be saying to yourself, “Why ya looking?”

Well, when you’re in an amusement park that has reached maximum capacity during the busy spring break season, you are shoulder to shoulder and bulge to bulge with a large sampling of humanity and you spend day after day waiting in long lines with nothing to do but stare at your fellow linemates, so it’s hard not to notice.

I could have counted on two hands and a couple toes the number of females I saw wearing anything past mid thigh.

And me in my capris? I was probably assumed Amish.

Then there was the day at the water park.

In the words of Seinfeld, “Bad naked.”

Though I am a big fan of “less is more” in most things in life, it is definitely not true of bikinis. A little fabric does not go a long way when it comes to swimwear.

Nobody wants to see your muffin top, or your muffin bottom, not to mention your cupcakes.

Don’t people want to wear clothes that flatter their figures anymore?

Is it all about showing skin, even if that skin is flapping?

One night I was sitting in the hot tub at our hotel. There were a few other women in there, all about my age, all about my size, all wearing itty bitty triangle sets that paraded the hallmark signs of childbirth—stretch marks, rolls, cellulite. I’m not criticizing cuz I got my birth marks too, but I’m all about favoring the good and camouflaging the bad for my own pride and to spare viewers. I was wearing a halter top style one piece bathing suit and board shorts.

One of the lady’s sons came over from the pool to ask her a question. As he talked to her, he kept looking over at me all curious-like. Finally he asked me, “Is that your swimsuit?”

His mother scolded him, “Hey bud, that’s rude. Yes that’s her swimsuit, and it’s cute.”

“Well, it looks like clothes,” the kid defended.

He was right. Compared to what these other women were wearing I looked like I was soaking in long johns. In fact, my swimsuit and board shorts were more clothes than most women wore as a complete outfit as I’d seen in recent days. No wonder the kid was confused.

The woman turned to me, “I’m so sorry.”

“No worries,” I reassured her.

“I do like your suit, by the way.” She grabbed a handful of flesh on her side and jiggled it as she laughed and said, “I should probably wear something more like that.”

She said it, not me.

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