I love football, and when else do you look forward to watching TV commercials?
It’s an entertainment escape oasis amid the dregs of winter, especially for those of us who don’t get to escape by going on an exotic vacation. I’ve sworn off Facebook indefinitely because I can’t handle any more sunny vacation posts.
It seems everyone I know went on a cruise recently.
Viewing cruising pleasures is especially difficult for me because I’ve only cruised one time years ago and it was far from pleasurable. Every day was a torrential downpour and the weather created turbulent seas, which created barfy me. I didn’t know I was seasick prone since I’d never been at sea before. The gift shop was already sold out of Dramamine and wristbands by the time I staggered in, so my only relief was standing on the wet deck staring at the horizon line to steady my equilibrium and look longingly for land ho.
The seas were so turbulent, the shuttle boats that transport cruisers from ship to island ports couldn’t make it, so we were stuck on the boat day and night. We’d watched all the ship’s entertainment by the end of day one and we’re not gamblers or drinkers, though we were close to converting.
Cruises are known for their food extravaganza and normally I would totally turn to gorging, but I was too nauseous. Plus, we were on a ship that had assigned dining tables where you’re put with couples about your same age for socializing. We ended up next to a honeymoon couple and the bride kept talking about everything she’d missed at her wedding because she was so drunk. She got a kick out of watching her reception video featuring her ralphing in the corner while her flower girls held her dress.
The nauseating components of this trip were multiplying quickly.
Finally, they were able to make port on an island one day. It was still stormy, but I was just glad to stand on solid ground. I had no sooner stepped foot on land, than a dozen native islanders were running fingers through my long hair saying, “Two dollah a braid? Make you pretty!”
We managed to escape, only to be met by another mob just down the road, then another and another. While I fought them off, I sent Jason to go buy a hat. I stuffed my hair in it and we made a run for it. We were able to see a few soggy sights before we had to re-board the Princess of Hades.
When we finally disembarked, I kissed the ground like the Pope.
When I tell this tragic tale to friends who’ve cruised successfully, they say we just had bad luck and need to try again.
I’m still leery.
My vacation time and funds are limited and I don’t want to risk it. For now I’ll just have to escape the winter for a few hours watching overpaid athletes and advertising agencies go head-to-head while I eat bean dip.