Finding this out was a relief to me since I watch my teenage son head out the door every day looking like Steve Urkel. Apparently the look of flood pants, multi-colored striped socks and big black-rimmed glasses, which was severe dorkwear in my day, is now “totally baller” (translation: awesome) and known as “hipster.”
Further proof of this trend is evident with the ugly Christmas sweater movement.
There was a time you could go to the D.I. and find racks of circa 1980-90s classic Christmas sweaters in an array of colors and tackiness, but not anymore. Now they’re a hot commodity and the moment a hoarder trying to turn over a new leaf drops off a load of clothing that spans decades, there’s a crowd ready to pounce.
If you’re not the kind of person who has time to stalk the D.I. for a shot at a hand-knitted granny gift that would have been loathed in days of yore, don’t lose hope. You can now buy NEW ugly sweaters. This trend has prompted retail stores to jump on the bandwagon and trump thrift stores with racks of misapplied yarn attire.
You can even buy kits to make your own original ugly sweater. The kits contain fringe, sequins, ribbon, glitter and iconic Christmas cutouts such as reindeer, snowmen, and Santas which you can apply any which way and in any quantity you want.
I mean, go gaudy or go home, right?
I don’t mean to brag, but I think I have one of the best ugly Christmas sweaters ever.
I know that’s a bold statement, but it’s just that bad/good. And it’s not a hack new ugly sweater or a kit creation. It’s a 1993 Marisa Christina Classic, which I don’t know what that means but it’s printed on the tag and sounds prestigious. I can’t take credit for acquisition of this treasure because it actually belongs to my Aunt Cheryl who snagged it at a yard sale while on a trip in the Midwest.
She was quite a visionary in seeing its value because she picked it up past the time it would have been in style as lovely and before the time it would have been in style as ugly. She was rummaging through the piles of Dust Bowl dross when she saw it; a royal blue knitted crewneck sweater with a trio of horned Holsteins behind a white picket fence with 3D two-toned green Christmas wreaths garnished with red beads and plaid bows hanging around the cows’ necks and over the fence.
But wait, there’s more.
The entire sweater is covered with white pompoms meant to be snow falling, although they’re a size that would inflict bruising.
Can you visualize it?
It’s even better real life.
My aunt has been kind enough to let me borrow it so I can waste the competition at every ugly sweater party I’ve attended.
There’s no knitted Santa creepy enough. No crocheted prancing reindeer anatomically off enough. No snowman carrot nose placed inappropriately enough to beat the adorned Christmas Holstein classic of 1993.
When I wear it, even my son thinks I look shweet (translation: baller).
Eat your heart out, Urkel.