Caller I.Dieter.

How about this weather, right?

Further proof that Cache Valley is the perfect place to live.

Almost.

There are just two things we need to truly make it the perfect community: Target and Costco.

Actually, there is a third thing: a mall.

Just because the word mall is used in the title of Cache Valley Mall doesn’t make it so. If you can stand in the center of the building and see the whole thing, it is not a mall. And Cal Ranch moving in just adds insult to injury. It’s just wrong to go to the mall to buy hay seed and horse tranquilizers.

You don’t go to the mall to buy farm supplies, or anything practical for that matter. You go to the mall for fluff: clothes, shoes, make-up, jewelry, perfume, food on a stick and laser treatments!

If I had a bazillion dollars I would mow down that whole block and build a replica of Station Park in Farmington. Now THAT’S a mall, and much, much more! Shops, boutiques, restaurants, fountains, spas, salons, parks, outdoor entertainment and ambiance, etc. etc!

Any local investors out there with vision, let’s talk.

Anyhoo, until the Eccles get back to me, I’ll settle for a Target and a Costco. Sorry, but two Walmarts do NOT equal a Target. And Sam’s Club is adequate, but it’s no Costco. Sam’s Club’s has a selection of like 4 chocolate-covered snacks, whereas Costco offers a selection of chocolate-covered snacks that includes every nut, toffee, caramel and fruit ever plucked from a tree and dried in the warmth of the sun!

Then when I’m finished filling my over-sized cart with bags of chocolate, my alter-ego appreciates the vast selection of healthy/organic/free-range products available. Costco also recently provided me with a spiritual experience – sort of. Close enough, anyway.

Though our beloved community is bereft of an elevated superstore option, I’m a devoted Costco club member and make the pilgrimage south a couple times a month in order to fulfill my cocoa consumption needs. As I was shopping there the other day I kept passing a woman who looked familiar.

I couldn’t think how I knew her, though it’s possible I knew her from my past since the Costco I frequent is near the community where I grew up. But that wasn’t it. Hmmm, I couldn’t figure it out and it was bugging. She did look a lot like my aunt, maybe that was it. No, that wasn’t it. She had excellent taste in products as we kept perusing the same aisles and selecting the same high-quality products. Maybe we were just kindred spirits and that was the familiarity. No, I’d seen her before, but where?

On one of the aisles a younger woman joined her, coming with an armful of items she’d gathered to add to the cart. They conversed jovially in German. German? I don’t know any Germans. I wish I did, but my social circles are very un-exotic. The other woman was familiar too. Who were they?!

They had glanced casually at me several times across the aisles and didn’t seem to recognize me as familiar, not that that was surprising. With my quick spit-bath grooming to get out the door for a busy day of errands I’d actually hoped to be incognito to anyone I knew in my ball cap and dungarees. But I look bedraggled a lot and a most people I know would probably recognize me that way more often than if I was well-groomed.

So, who the freak were they? I had to figure it out.

I wasn’t purposefully stalking them, but we were on the same route through the store much of the time so I tried to hover casually, until I lost them. I got sucked in by a persuasive sample pusher with a tantalizing array of flavored popcorns (my second favorite snack).

Oh well, I thought. I guess I’ll never know how I think I know the cute German ladies. Then providence intervened.

I ended up behind them in the check-out line, which was grotesquely long (probably full of fellow Cache Valley folk who travel to shop there). While waiting their turn, the two women were discussing the contents of their cart when the older woman’s phone rang. No sooner had she answered it when the younger woman made a request in German – I assume it was  to put the call on speaker because that’s what the older woman did.

As she held out the phone so they both could hear I saw the caller I.D. – Dieter Uchtdorf.

Aha!! That’s how I knew them! They were the wife and daughter of President Uchtdorf! Of course I don’t really know them but I’ve seen them on TV, the internet and in church publications so much it feels like I know them. I wish I knew them personally. We like the same Costco products so I’m sure we’d be instant BFFs.

I was starstruck as I eavesdropped on their endearing conversation I couldn’t understand. Just as I became coherent enough to think up the awesome idea to be tacky and invasive and blurt out from behind, “Hi President Uchtdorf!!” they ended the call.

Crap.

Oops! I mean, NOT crap.

You shouldn’t say or think or write a word like “crap” even if you missed the opportunity to yell at an apostle through his wife’s cell phone when you’re standing in line at Costco.

It was fun to stalk an apostle’s wife and daughter through a superstore though.

Maybe if Cache Valley would get a Costco I’d have the opportunity to stalk members of Elders Stevenson’s or Cook’s families since they’re Cache Valley alumni. I seriously doubt they’d come back to their old stomping grounds just to Walmart hop, or go to Sam’s Club, or a mall where Cal Ranch replaced Dillards.

So get on it community planner head honchos! Let’s coordinate to provide elevated shopping experiences where we can all have the opportunity to stalk important people who might come to patronize such establishments.

Then our community will truly be perfect.

P.S. – “Hi President Uchtdorf and lovely wife and daughter!!” in case you happen to ever stumble across this blog post.

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